Thursday, December 22, 2011

I must admit, what was going to be an incredibly witty, insightful and gut-bustingly funny Christmas blog posting was somewhat derailed by seemingly every local and national DJ stealing my idea for a piece called “Christmas Ridicu-gifts.”

Like “ridiculous.” Get it? Never mind. You know, my blog was gonna be about things like the brilliantly coined “Soapy Soles” foot washer, the “Snuggie” and its sister-product, the “Forever Lazy” – which apparently makes one become very energetic, if the TV commercials of people dancing in football stadiums and throwing popcorn all over the living room while wearing their Forever Lazy are any indication.

And what, pray tell, did I ever do before purchasing – say - my Loop Wizard, an item that magically re-threads everything from hoodies to tote bags. For those, of course, who can actually re-thread things at all. Oh, and then there are the re-named “our version of” women’s fragrances such as the fake Paris Hiltion’s Can Can known as… Yes Yes. Or how about the faux Guess perfume. Wonder how long before someone on that crackerjack sales team came up with (shoulder’s shrugging) “Question Mark?”

Yeah, sure, that’ll work.

“Back in the day I bought some of those knock off fragrances,” Ms. Allgood opined after finding me laughing hysterically while standing at the fake perfume rack at a local clothing retailer. “The problem is, they smell good at first but after a couple hours, they smell like feet.”

I thought the phony Kim Kardashian brand (seductively re-titled, Black Tantra) did straight out of the bottle.

So I have instead decided to focus this posting on what I believe is the absolute coolest Christmas gift ever – one that children and adults alike would run through the mall with Tickle-Me-Elmo abandon, pushing old ladies and kicking over kids on crutches to snag the last one on the shelf.

In fact, this thing might make up for every fish-tie, tire gauge and industrial-sized can of unshelled peanuts ever gifted the world over. Why, if someone gets me one of these for Christmas, if might even make up for the Guns-N-Roses poster that my brother took off my bedroom closet door and wrapped up as my Christmas 1991 gift.

Anyway, check this out.

Holy crap, this is cool! I mean, who the hell else on your block is gonna have an action figure that you can roll around in broken glass? And can you imagine how freaked out and insecure your sister’s Ken doll is gonna be when he meets this 12” action figure?! You know, if you know what I mean…
Well, anyway, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night and all that stuff. I’m gonna go watch this fed up Fed Ex guy on Youtube some more.

Why does this video somehow makes me feel more warm and Mistletoe-y than my mom’s Christmas With Carnie Wilson CD and its big hit “Warm Lovin’ Christmastime?”

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Something I probably shouldn’t be wasting my time with, but….

…waking up to hot women seemed to be as good a topic as any to bring the almost permanently pretermitted postings of this blog back to life.

“Did you see who got voted the ‘hottest woman of all time’?” Ms. Allgood called from the lower level of our humble alcazar.

“Staci Allgood,” I surmised.

“No, she came in second.”

“Marilyn Monroe.”

“Nope, not her either – but Angelina Jolie is gonna be mad when she finds out who won.”

Okay, not that I don’t agree that Jennifer Aniston is among the top two on my “famous girls I’d date if they would even cross the street to pee on me if I was on fire” list.

"Her down-to-earth persona makes her seem attainable . . .,” Ms. Allgood quoted from the online poll conducted by that estimable bastion of smart-ness Men’s Health magazine that resulted in Jen’s big win.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought when I saw her naked on the cover of Rolling Stone,” I replied. “But the hottest woman of all time? All-time is a really long time.”

I mean, hell, are we completely leaving out decades that preceded women wearing pants?

Though Raquel Welch was runner up, and Marilyn did come in third, Us Weekly’s report of the Men’s Health report (are you getting a headache yet?...) pointed out that Britney Spears ranked fourth, Madonna fifth, and the Jen-mesis herself, Ms. Jolie, way down in 10th.

Although I have yet to dig into the official federally audited numbers associated with this momentous poll, I’d like to know where the women who have truly helped further the cause of hotness throughout history ranked.

I mean, where is the don’t-touch-that-you’ll-burn-your-hand stovetop hot Jean Harlow and her decades-ahead-of-her-time practice of never wearing a bra? And, what, no Natalie Wood? And no Grace Kelly? No Audrey Hepburn?

Maybe I just have an unhealthy thing for those knee-wobbling 1940s hairdos, but for god’s sake gentlemen, where in the hell is Rita H-H-H-HHayworth? Or geez, Rosie the Riveter?

And hey, if we are allowing cartoon hotness to enter the fray, let’s hear it for Betty Boop, Jessica Rabbit (not to mention her real-life voice, Kathleen Turner), and – the hottest-drawn character ever, the indomitable Daphne from Scooby Doo.

Not that I have anything against the age of cocaine-fueled disco hotness either. Where, pray tell is Cheryl Ladd? Or Phoebe Cates in “Fast Times At Ridgemont High?”

And what of the world off the silver screen – no Linda Rondstadt on her 1976 “Hasten Down the Wind” album, or Tanya Tucker on 1978’s “TNT”, or pretty much every Stevie Nicks album?

“You know what I hate – she has such nice lips but they always seem to be chapped,” Ms. Allgood said with a tisk as a picture of poor dear Angie popped up on the screen, shortly before turning her attentions from the Men’s Health poll to more important matters, such as letting Isis the German Shepherd outside to poop.

“Hey, don't delete it yet - the article also has a link to ‘Jen’s Amazing Bikini Body’,” I replied, thinking how much better a stage play that would be than “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.”