I must admit, what was going to be an incredibly witty, insightful and gut-bustingly funny Christmas blog posting was somewhat derailed by seemingly every local and national DJ stealing my idea for a piece called “Christmas Ridicu-gifts.”
Like “ridiculous.” Get it? Never mind. You know, my blog was gonna be about things like the brilliantly coined “Soapy Soles” foot washer, the “Snuggie” and its sister-product, the “Forever Lazy” – which apparently makes one become very energetic, if the TV commercials of people dancing in football stadiums and throwing popcorn all over the living room while wearing their Forever Lazy are any indication.
And what, pray tell, did I ever do before purchasing – say - my Loop Wizard, an item that magically re-threads everything from hoodies to tote bags. For those, of course, who can actually re-thread things at all. Oh, and then there are the re-named “our version of” women’s fragrances such as the fake Paris Hiltion’s Can Can known as… Yes Yes. Or how about the faux Guess perfume. Wonder how long before someone on that crackerjack sales team came up with (shoulder’s shrugging) “Question Mark?”
Yeah, sure, that’ll work.
“Back in the day I bought some of those knock off fragrances,” Ms. Allgood opined after finding me laughing hysterically while standing at the fake perfume rack at a local clothing retailer. “The problem is, they smell good at first but after a couple hours, they smell like feet.”
I thought the phony Kim Kardashian brand (seductively re-titled, Black Tantra) did straight out of the bottle.
So I have instead decided to focus this posting on what I believe is the absolute coolest Christmas gift ever – one that children and adults alike would run through the mall with Tickle-Me-Elmo abandon, pushing old ladies and kicking over kids on crutches to snag the last one on the shelf.
In fact, this thing might make up for every fish-tie, tire gauge and industrial-sized can of unshelled peanuts ever gifted the world over. Why, if someone gets me one of these for Christmas, if might even make up for the Guns-N-Roses poster that my brother took off my bedroom closet door and wrapped up as my Christmas 1991 gift.
Anyway, check this out.
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=10999954
Holy crap, this is cool! I mean, who the hell else on your block is gonna have an action figure that you can roll around in broken glass? And can you imagine how freaked out and insecure your sister’s Ken doll is gonna be when he meets this 12” action figure?! You know, if you know what I mean…
Well, anyway, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night and all that stuff. I’m gonna go watch this fed up Fed Ex guy on Youtube some more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5uIH0VTg_o
Like “ridiculous.” Get it? Never mind. You know, my blog was gonna be about things like the brilliantly coined “Soapy Soles” foot washer, the “Snuggie” and its sister-product, the “Forever Lazy” – which apparently makes one become very energetic, if the TV commercials of people dancing in football stadiums and throwing popcorn all over the living room while wearing their Forever Lazy are any indication.
And what, pray tell, did I ever do before purchasing – say - my Loop Wizard, an item that magically re-threads everything from hoodies to tote bags. For those, of course, who can actually re-thread things at all. Oh, and then there are the re-named “our version of” women’s fragrances such as the fake Paris Hiltion’s Can Can known as… Yes Yes. Or how about the faux Guess perfume. Wonder how long before someone on that crackerjack sales team came up with (shoulder’s shrugging) “Question Mark?”
Yeah, sure, that’ll work.
“Back in the day I bought some of those knock off fragrances,” Ms. Allgood opined after finding me laughing hysterically while standing at the fake perfume rack at a local clothing retailer. “The problem is, they smell good at first but after a couple hours, they smell like feet.”
I thought the phony Kim Kardashian brand (seductively re-titled, Black Tantra) did straight out of the bottle.
So I have instead decided to focus this posting on what I believe is the absolute coolest Christmas gift ever – one that children and adults alike would run through the mall with Tickle-Me-Elmo abandon, pushing old ladies and kicking over kids on crutches to snag the last one on the shelf.
In fact, this thing might make up for every fish-tie, tire gauge and industrial-sized can of unshelled peanuts ever gifted the world over. Why, if someone gets me one of these for Christmas, if might even make up for the Guns-N-Roses poster that my brother took off my bedroom closet door and wrapped up as my Christmas 1991 gift.
Anyway, check this out.
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=10999954
Holy crap, this is cool! I mean, who the hell else on your block is gonna have an action figure that you can roll around in broken glass? And can you imagine how freaked out and insecure your sister’s Ken doll is gonna be when he meets this 12” action figure?! You know, if you know what I mean…
Well, anyway, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night and all that stuff. I’m gonna go watch this fed up Fed Ex guy on Youtube some more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5uIH0VTg_o
Why does this video somehow makes me feel more warm and Mistletoe-y than my mom’s Christmas With Carnie Wilson CD and its big hit “Warm Lovin’ Christmastime?”
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